10 Songs To Be Taken Too Seriously

1. Ghost Riders in the sky

2. Any Nine Inch Nails song

3. Any commiserating song about the difficulties of being a teen and how no one understands, except for the band singing the song

4. Free Bird - Lynard Skynard

5. Grateful Dead songs with prophetic and transdimentional undertones

6. Any rap song in which the rapper talks about themselves and their posessions

7. You ought to know - Alanis Morisette

8. Love Bites - Def Leppard

9. I can't fight this feeling anymore - REO Speedwagon

10. Any song which became profoundly deep upon singer overdose or suicide

10 Movies to be taken too seriously

1. The Crow

2. Any Star Trek Movie, Series, etc

3. The Fast and the Furious and any sequels

4. Any Mafia Movie, including the Sopranos series on HBO

5. Natural Born Killers

6. Any horror film with a thin plot, unrealistic predators and victims that do things you know no one would ever do

7. The current fad movie with some sort of activity in it's theme such as surfing, flying, driving, skating, etc.

8. Any movie based on a comic or video game

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10 Movie Characters

1. International Men of Mystery

2. Bad guy with fetish that is continually referenced throughout film and is typically borought into their method of killing people

3. Hackers who always skateboard, sky dive or know how to achieve the impossible task of destroying the internet forever

4. The african american female judge

5. Englishman safari guides

6. Random, average run of the mill individuals that get drug into a situation and end up buddying up with the main character through the remainder of the film

7. The girl who tries to go into the warehouse with the guy and he says not to, but she goes in anyway and ends up being held hostage in a scene where the guy has to do a power move to get out of the sticky situation

8. Characters who have a mysterious past and they look away with a dramatic pause whenever their mysterious past is referenced

9. The noble old person that dies just before the star character conquers their objective

10. Ex-KGB people with one prominent character trait and skills which they sell to bad guys

1. nobody cops that constantly die in each shoot out
2. Star characters with authority problems
3. Police chiefs that love to rip the shit out of cops with authority problems and give them a deadline to come up with something by the next day
4. Retired investigators who are called out of retirement for a special case that only they could solve
5. The annoying new cop that looks up to the star character
6. The two partner cops that give a bunch of shit to the star character
7. The lab/forensic specialist who gets all of the details, but somehow needs the insight of the star character to make senseout of obvious details
8. Partner of main cop who helps save the day in the final warehouse scene, but always gets shot in either the arm,shoulder or leg
9. The initial suspect that ends up having nothing to do with the crime, but is actually a victim of the situation
10. The imprisoned criminal mastermind genius who helps direct a cop to the truth with vague tips and non-specific information

10 Actual Sports Announcer Statements

1. "If they want to gain points in this game they have got to score."

2. "The way to play is by getting the ball and executing."

3. "You can't win a championship game without playing defense and offense."

4. "When the other team is playing good defense, you've got to play good offense to beat them."

5. "When you get the ball, you have got to shoot to score."

6. "If he keeps fouling, he will eventually foul out of the game."

7. "That's the thing about defense. When you don't have the ball, you've got to play defense."

8. "When you have the ball, you have to play offense to do well."

9. "The key to winning the game is to outscore the other team. If you don't outscore the other team, then you can't win the game."

10. "Heh...<compliment to other sportscaster>", "Heh Heh ... <Pause, while other sportscaster returns a compliment, as rehearsed before the game>"

10 Tolkien Rumors

1. Hobbits are hung like no other.

2. Gandolf the White Supremecist was nixed, in favor of a more lovingly superior guy with a stick

3. Froto continually tried to steal the ring from the set.

4. Samwise Gamgee was a little bitch off-camera

5. Elvish is a ripoff of Jive

6. Orchs have a penis and a vagina

7. Lord of the Cock Rings nixed only after several fans held a "Wizards are celibate" protest

8. Trolls have huge "outies"

9. That huge fiery eye thing turned down a Pepsi spot with the Osbournes

10. That elf chick sucks a mean one

10 Reasons NOT To Vote For Someone

1. Their name reminds you of someone you don't like

2. They won last time

3. Their ideal f a political party doesn't even mention beer

4. Their signs weren't cool

5. They blinked in their picture

6. They couldn't afford an expensive campaign

7. All they talk about are issues and that's boring

8. No one was running against them

9. They put shit on windshields

10. They're ugly

10 Reasons Letterman Should Never Hang It Up

1. Top 10 Lists funnier than a chapped ass

2. Pencil Tricks still captivate America

3. Paul Schaeffer going "Aaaaaaahhhh!" after every joke is better than laughing

4. Repeating opening one liner 600 times throughout show proves unparalleled creativity

5. Host Tricks such as tie tweaking and sipping drink loudly and gasping afterward - absolutely incredible

6. Panning cameras to stage hands - an airtime burning method very few can pull off

7. Something not funny is much more funny when repeated 10 times with dorky facial expressions and phony accent

8. Best writers in the business, except for Leno, Kilborn and O'brian

9. Hearing voice say "World Wide Pants" at end of each show is incredibly fulfilling

10. CBS vs. NBC jokes are positively the most hilarious thing in the history of entertainment

10 Stupid Things Radio Talk Show Hosts Do To Screw Up Their Lives

1.  2.  3.  4.  5.

6. 7. 8. 9.10.

10 popular books among bad priests

1. Erecting values

2. Standing firmly behind others

3. The Little Hummer Boy

4. Abstinence - The Catholic Viagra

5. Pornbirds

6. The Lost Art of Sword Swallowing

7. Bone Smoke, A Beginners Guide

8. The Greeks Were Right

9. The 5th Amendment

10. Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday's child

10 Pottery Barn Activities

1. Touching each of the desk clocks and going "hmmm" each time you touch one of them

2. Saying "Woah!  Look at this!" every 60 seconds

3. Verifying each of the paper machete vegetables are hollow - via shake next to ear method

4. Picking up candles, one by one, going "hey, smell this one"

5. Picking up soaps, one by one, going "hey, smell this one"

6. Picking up receiver on "neo-vintage" telephones, and pushing the buttons on them, listening for a tone

7. Checking out solid color, plain 4'x4' rugs for $400, saying "that's so cool!"

8. Saying "This looks vin-tage", referring to various decor items, which are entirely modern

9. Picking things up and looking at the back of them and putting them back down again

10. Deceiving store workers into believing you are actually there to purchase something

10 Warnings From U.S. Postal Service, in wake of latest Bio-Terrorist Threats

1. Wash hands after handling mail

2. Do not sniff mail

3. Do not repeatedly expose skin to mail

4. Do not lick mail

5. Do not eat mail

6. Do not smoke mail

7. Do not rub mail on face

8. Do not insert mail into body orifices

9. Do not rub mail on genitals

10. Do not vigorously rub mail in open wounds

10 places that the dollar bill in your pocket could have been.

1. Touched by a homeless man's dirty hands

2. Soaking in a homeless man's urine

3. Homeless man's nose blown into it

4. Repeatedly licked by homeless man

5. Itching a wax filled homeless man's ear

6. Drooled upon by homeless man

7. Used as toilet paper by homeless man

8. Rubbed on a homeless man's open cut

9. In a homeless man's asshole

10. In a Catholic Priest's possession

Ten Signs That Despite Claims, You Are Not A "High Roller"

1. Constantly clicking lid of authentic Zippo lighter

2. Flashing change bucket to pit boss to get "comped"

3. Snapping a 20 several times at other gamblers, before setting it on table

4. Traipsing around in "High Roller" imprinted sleeveless T-shirt, with thick stack of ones in hand

5. "Going for the big one" - with casino gambling coupons

6. Accusing someone who is having a good run at craps, of "hogging the dice"

7. Taking 5 minutes to decide whether or not to double down on your $2 blackjack bet

8. Slurring loudly about your comprehensive nickle slot strategy

9. Jingling keys with attached "trans am" key fob

10. Asking if complimentary champagne is "the good stuff" from under your green transparent "Viva Las Vegas" visor

Charge Card Ads That Didn't Make It

1. Parking fee $5, parking ticket $15, late fee $35, extended late fee $105, affidavit $150, contempt of court $500, finding the prick with the ticket book and banging his head into a parking meter for half an hour, priceless.

2. Picnic basket $15, sandwiches $10, potato chips $4, lemonade $3, bread for seagulls $1, having one shit on your face, priceless.

3. Plane ticket $300, hotel $120, gambling money $1200, prostitute $350, passing STD test, priceless.

4. Stolen gun $100, bullets $15, pantyhose $5, gloves $5, fine $1500, attorney $4000, having your buddy smuggle you drugs in a keester pack, priceless.

5. 64 Impala $5000, bodywork/paint $4000, bumpin system $4000, 20" wheels $5000, tooth cap $600, electroplate jewelry $30, crib $600/mo, nine $700, cooler full o'fowtys $40, bitch-slappin some peeps, priceless.

6. Mansion rent $30,000, Wardrobe $150k, Dog $800, fake Warhol $200, 5 exotic car rentals $12,000, convincing MTV Cribs viewers all of this is yours, priceless

7. Dolce and Gabanna shoes $800, knife $15, gloves $30, white bronco $20k, Johnnie Cochran $?million, getting off of murder, priceless.

8. Pack of swisher sweets $4, metal lighter $8, '82 suburban $1500, vinyl-talian shoes $6, hair grease $5, DVD box set $100, watching full season of Sopranos, priceless.

9. Duct tape $4, hose clamp $3, air fresheners $10, motor oil $3, brake fluid $5, antifreeze coolant $8, 10 cans Krylon primer $35, used tires $25, Foreigner tape $2, beef jerky $2, Copenhagen $5, sunglasses $4.99, kickin it by your camaro, priceless.

10. Stetson $60, braided belt $6, belt buckle $65, skoal $8, Wranglers $15, 88oz. Mountain Dew mug refill $1.35, naga-snake boots $10, being the only one in the bar line-dancing, priceless.

10 Signs Your Date Is In A 12 Step Program

1. Mentions higher power every 3 minutes for duration of date

2. Talks about deep issues of childhood within 20 minutes of picking you up

3. Educates you on the 100+ reasons for the day, that they are a victim

4. Calls sponsor 4 times during date

5. Recites serenity prayer when confronted with decision of where to park

6. Wants to hear about your issues, then cuts you off to talk about theirs

7. Attempts to convince you that you are an alcoholic, even though you don't drink

8. Has Nyquil on breath

9. Cries during dessert, saying so happy they are sober to enjoy the rich flavors of cherry pie pocket

10. They attack you for "not being real" when you say you had an "alright" day

10 Books That Never Made it Beyond Manuscript Submission:

1. Fuck'em, A Prick's Guide.

2. 101 Ways To Brighten Up a Funeral

3. Holy Bible Cliff Notes, Fool Your Way Into Heaven

4. Hair,  By Michael Landon

5. Hee Bee Bee Gees, We're Back!  by Andy Gibb

6. Enron Hubbard Guide To Investing and Spirituality

7. Marriage by Mickey Rooney

8. Living With Balls, Hillary Clinton

9. Klantastic!  Racist Decor Themes

10. Coping With Change - OJ Simpson

10 Best Acting Scenes of All Time

1- Star Wars - Empire Strikes Back:  Darth Vader tells Luke Skywalker he is his father, Luke replies with much acting prowess, "That's not true, that's impossible!"

2- Godfather III:  Andy Garcia goes "wah, wuh" when his girlfriend gets shot.

3- Heat:  Al Pacino interviews a snitch on parole, slaps table and yells at him

4- Point Break:   Cop says "Well Get eem wenne comes back een" at end of movie.  Keanu responds "He's not comin back" - which nearly made this list.

5- The Fast and the Furious:  Vin Deisel says, "I Live My life quarter mile at a time"

6- Numerous Films:  Tom Cruise - Any ground kicking tantrum scene.

7- Roadhouse:  Patrick Swayze's absolutely incredible throat-rip-out scenes.

8- 8 is Enough:  Dick Van Patten - Every time cut to commercial, Patten shows concerned face to camera, slowly zooming in.

9- V.I.P:   Pamela Andersen - Virtually any moment of this smash hit, highly acclaimed TV series is pure acting genius.

10- You've Got Mail:  Meg Ryan punching the air, warming up to "go to the mattresses" with Tom Hanks.

10 Knock Off Bands That Never Made it Past First Night of Karaoke

1. Nuns and Moses - did have 1 hit: "Inna Gadda Gethsemane"

2. Schleppin Wolf - rebellious Jewish employees of a moving company

3. Jefferson Starship Enterprise - Trekkies on drugs, 1 hit, "Warf Rabbit"

4. Minivan Halen - Soccer moms regressed into teens, sleep overs, posters, etc.

5. Heff Leppard - Tribute to 80's butt rock and Playboy tycoon.

6. Diet Riot - Rowdy gang from the weight watchers camp.

7. The Urkle Jerks - skinny black punks with squeaky voices and big glasses.

8. Thread Zepplin - knitting group that got sick of fiddling around with thimbles every damn day.

9. Gravy, Spuds, Hash and Brown - this just sucked, they liked breakfast

10. Mamma and Paw-Paws - very, very lonely lady and her cat

10 Adult Movie Titles That Ended Up Being Rated R or Less.

1. The Firm

2. Shaft

3. Pee Wee's Big Adventure

4. Dick Tracy

5. Trading Places

6. Dr. Strangelove

7. Twin Peaks

8. Close Encounters of the Third Kind

9. Swingers

10. Driving Miss Daisy